


Quick To Run Away, Quick To Stay

by daeseol



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Era, Established Relationship, Hurt, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2015-05-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 19:25:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3948739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daeseol/pseuds/daeseol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Love is giving someone the power to destroy you... but trusting them not to."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Quick To Run Away, Quick To Stay

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Warning: mentions of alcohol  
> 2\. Written for [kpop_olymfics](http://kpop_olymfics.livejournal.com/).

**Hotel. Nanjing, 12:53 a.m.**  
  
Jongin lies on one side of the bed, the part that isn't messy, where the blanket is still tucked tight under the mattress. He should be sleeping after the adrenaline rush from the concert earlier, but here he is, still awake, his sore, naked body sprawled letting the cold air of the room seep through his skin. The crumpled bed sheets lie next to him, reminiscent of the hour when his body was bent in ways he's never thought of. His legs are still tired, and his mouth is dry after catching his breath. Now, he's drowning in silence, only his eyes moving as he watches the other person in the room with him.  
  
"Hyung," he whispers.  
  
He's always liked Minseok's eyes. And his small lips, and the soft curl they make when he smiles. Jongin once thought this smile is just all to what he adores about Minseok. Tonight, his sweet fondness turns wild when Minseok presses their lips together, bringing back to life a desire Jongin has long suppressed. There's a burning curl in his chest at the taste of alcohol in Minseok's mouth. He's gone out with Junmyeon and the managers, Jongin realizes. But the taste doesn't stop him from giving in because the more it lingers in his mouth, the more it heats him up. Soon, the taste of soju is shared in their tongues, and their bodies pressed, hands roaming in places they shouldn't be. Jongin's never thought of Minseok inside him but when he raises Jongin's legs and bends his body over, the younger knows it's a complete takeover. He submits willingly, matching his rhythm until it's nothing but sounds of pleasure spilling from their mouths.  
  
But everything changes once they're done. The warmth of their intimacy turns cold the minute Minseok gets off the bed. Minseok is all clothed minutes later, putting them all back on in a hurry. His furrowed brows make his eyes look uneasy, scared at one point in fact. Jongin tries to ignore it, but a glaring fact they've temporarily forgotten starts to dawn on him.  
  
"Sorry," is what Minseok says before he reaches for the knob and closes the door shut, leaving a confused yet silent Jongin behind. Jongin knows what they've done is wrong. It doesn't sink in until he's left alone.  
  
Minseok has Luhan. It's always been Minseok  _and_  Luhan. Jongin isn't part of their story. But what they just did tonight is something wrong that has left a sense of hope, something Minseok has unknowingly, unintentionally, given him. It's probably false, but hope is still hope. And he finds himself clinging onto it.  
  
The small pang in Jongin's heart grows stronger, more painful to contain so he curls on the bed and pulls his legs closer to his chest. He keeps asking why, even if he's not getting any answers yet.  
  
  
  
**Dorm. Seoul, 6:52 p.m.**  
  
The dorm looks a lot more spacious with some of the members out for a day off. No rehearsals, no schedules. While half of them choosing to spend it outside, Jongin decides he'd rather stay in his room. He isn't really in the mood for anything outdoor, any activity in fact that involves pulling his legs off the bed and dressing up and getting chased out by fans that actually go overboard. Besides, he's pushed himself a little too hard because of rehearsals. A day-off spent resting in bed isn't a bad decision, he supposes. He has his laptop for his company and he can make the most out of the comfort his bed can offer.  
  
But then of course he can't stay in bed the whole day. He has to grab something to munch on. He has to pee. He has to drink. When any of these happen, he always begrudgingly gets off the bed and lazily drags himself out of the room.  
  
He feels like having yogurt when he sees an article about it while randomly reading blogs. Good thing Kyungsoo has always kept a stock of it in the fridge. When he goes out, the living room looks eerily empty. It's nice but it's very unfamiliar and a part of him doesn't like it. But then he's wanted to stay in the dorm so he should've expected this kind of silence. He grabs two cups of banana yogurt and goes back to his room. He doesn't come out until two hours later.  
  
Which he regrets doing.  
  
The sofa isn't empty anymore when he leaves the comforts of his bed for a glass of water. The first thing he sees is Minseok's familiar back. Then his eyes drops to the head on Minseok's shoulder: Luhan.  _So they're back_ , Jongin tells himself. He can hear soft giggles. From his distance, he can't figure out what they're talking about but he's sure they're keeping their conversation hushed and low. Soft smiles. Sweet talk.  
  
Jongin stops, staring at them thinking he'd go unnoticed. But Luhan raises his head and looks behind him, meeting Jongin's gaze with an eyesmile.  
  
"Oh! Hi Jongin," Luhan greets. At the name, Minseok turns around quickly and meets Jongin's eyes. Jongin feels a leap in his chest and he fidgets, clenching his fist instinctively.  
  
"Need something?" Luhan follows up. Jongin shakes his head and answers promptly.  
  
"Just...getting water." At that, Jongin turns on his heels and proceeds to the kitchen. He gulps a glass of water hoping it will calm him. He sighs, feeling his heartbeat race at the cold water running down his throat.  
  
It isn't the first time he's seen Minseok and Luhan together since that night in China. But his reactions seem to worsen at each moment he catches them. He shouldn't feel tight curls in his stomach, or a heavy push on his chest when he sees them. It's a foreign sensation and he doesn't like it. He doesn't want it.  
  
He takes one more glass, emptying it in a one gulp and thinking it'll wash away his anxiety. He heads back to his room, only to stop by the door, holding the knob to catch one last glimpse of them. The two look at him, too, but they don't speak. Luhan gives him a pursed smile. Still beautiful and endearing as ever. Minseok, on the other hand, seem to be void of emotions, at least when he looks at Jongin. They are empty, far from how Jongin has last seen it up close, when he can sense a blurry mix of lust and confusion in his eyes.  
  
Jongin isn't sure but he thinks Minseok's gaze follows him as he closes the door shut. He hopes he's wrong.  
  
  
  
  
**Dorm. Seoul, 5:15 a.m.**  
  
Dance practice is at nine but Jongin is up four hours earlier. He thinks it's just him, when the whole dorm is still silent, save the soft snores he hears from the other side of his room. He leaves his bed and heads for the washroom but bumps into Minseok coming out of the shower instead, hair still messy and wet as he dries it with a towel over his head. He's wearing blank tank tops and gray boxers, and Jongin is all too familiar with them. He's quick to remember when they're exactly the same clothes he carefully took off weeks ago before seeing a body he once longed to touch, bare naked, free for him to feel, to taste.  
  
Jongin is haywire. He's warm and tingly, all the come-ons Minseok had whispered comes back like they're being spoken softly in his ear again. He isn't sure what to do when he's lightheaded and his breathing is starting to get erratic. The smell of mint coming from Minseok's body and the cold of the water dripping from his hair is too much to bear.  
  
"Jongin—"  
  
"Hyung."  
  
And Jongin acts on his instincts, pushing Minseok back into the washroom and locking the door before he can think through his actions. He's pressing Minseok against the wall, kissing him roughly, eyes closed and much into it that he fails to hear the loud grunts from the other person. Minseok kisses him back, tilting his head a bit and parting his lips to let Jongin's tongue in his mouth. There's no time wasted. Jongin's hands grab the hem of Minseok's shirt, pulling it up his chest first, breaking the kiss so he can take the top off completely.  
  
"Jongin...wait," Minseok says in between heavy breathing.  
  
But Jongin doesn't stop. He moves his lips to the side of Minseok's face, trailing soft kisses on the side of his face until he's on the neck.  
  
"Jongin, stop," Minseok grunts when Jongin goes lower, sucking on his collarbone. "Stop. I said stop."  
  
And Minseok finally finds the resolve to put his hand on Jongin's face, cupping his cheeks firmly so he can't pull them although unwillingly away. Jongin is unyielding at first, keeping his lips on Minseok's chest. When he tries to suck hard and leave a mark, that's when Minseok tightens his grip. It isn't his intention to push Jongin away, he just want to make a space between them. He wants to speak, they need to talk. But Jongin is unrelenting, pushing Minseok to a limit.  
  
Jongin loses balance and drops to the wet tiles, slightly soaking his boxers. He looks up, eyes wide in confused, chest heaving in irregular breathing. Minseok just stands as he evens out his breath, too. Then he makes the same eyes again: uneasy and scared. Then it dissolves to an apologetic stare, looking at Jongin straight in the eye, his brows slanted, not furrowed. Jongin hates it. He doesn't need this kind of reaction from him.  
  
"Why?" Jongin asks. It's heavy in the chest, like he's being pressed hard against the floor until he's out of air. It hurts. "Y-you liked this, right? You told me you wanted this."  
  
Minseok shakes his head. It's a quick reaction. "I...we shouldn't have done it. I was...drunk"  
  
_Regret_.  
  
It stings. Jongin's eyes sting. "Liar."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
Minseok mumbles. He's doing it again, walking away, reaching for the door so he can leave Jongin behind in a mess of unanswered questions.  
  
"Why me, hyung?" Jongin asks.  
  
Minseok hears him and he stops, door open just enough for him to fit and to keep Jongin unseen from the outside. He has his back on Jongin, head bowed down, silent. He doesn't speak as he steps out and closes the door.  
  
  
  
  
**Outdoor. Seoul, 9:46 a.m.**  
  
A photoshoot at this time is too early for their dead-tired bodies. Also, wearing suits over button-downs, tight jeans, slacks, leather shoes, and boots in a scorching summer morning isn't even making them feel any better. But they don't have any choice, do they?  
  
The shoot starts 15 minutes later with the group shot in casual wear. And to their delight, all they get from the director are praises and compliments. It's a job well done, or the first part at least, and everyone is satisfied with the photo results. And since the shots are all good, this means they're moving an hour ahead of schedules. It's like an unsaid agreement among all, though, to do well for this shoot. If they do, they'll end early. More time to rest, if their managers haven't booked them yet for a tentative rehearsal schedule that is.  
  
Sehun is the first to take the solo shots, followed by Kyungsoo, then Junmyeon. Jongin is fourth in the list so he changes to his formal suits when the cameraman takes Kyungsoo's first pose.  
  
"Washroom," Jongin tells when the make-up artist drags him for his turn. He's drank too much water in anticipation of the heat. Too bad he hasn't perspired enough, not that he wants to. It'd feel gross under leather jackets.  
  
He heads to a corner and walks to its end where the comfort rooms are located. But he stops midway when from his side, he figures somebody inside what supposedly is a vacant room. Everyone should either be outside for the shoot or at the indoor holding area, where the food and couches are. It’s not his business, but his curiosity gets the better of him once he hears a muffled, yet familiar voice. He hears a voice and although it's muffled, his guts tell him it's familiar.  
  
He gently pushes the door open, peeking cautiously with his back slightly bent down. His sight adjusts to the dim light of the bulb and shifts to where he sees two people. He freezes when he realizes he knows them.  
  
Luhan sits on a table with Minseok in between his legs, their mouths still pressed on each other. His arms are slung around Minseok's neck and Minseok holds Luhan firm by the hips, keeping him still on the surface.  
  
They jump in surprise and panic when somebody appears by the door, look at Jongin like deers caught in headlights. Luhan removes his hands linked on Minseok's nape and slides it down so they're on the shoulders.  
  
"J-jongin, uh..." Minseok says and he trails off. He sounds like he's finding words to explain. Luhan notices and raises a brow at him. Jongin takes it as a question to Minseok's reaction.  
  
It's true though. There is no need for an explanation. Jongin is just a member who apparently knows about them dating and unintentionally walking in on them doing something dating people would normally do. It isn't new. He's walked in on Junmyeon and Kyungsoo doing the same. It shouldn't surprise him anymore.  
  
"Uh, are they already looking for us?" Luhan asks. It's too casual, like they weren't caught in the act with tongues lapping each other's mouths. Jongin feels a painful twist at the pit of his stomach.  
  
"Nope. Not yet," Jongin answers promptly, short and quick because his brain is empty, unsure of what exactly he should do and say. He just keeps a tight hold of the knob, cold against his also cold hands.  
  
"Okay! Will be back in a few," Luhan says. "And if you need to call us, uh, we'd appreciate a knock first," he chuckles.  
  
Suddenly, Minseok steps back and fixes his clothes, straightening his disheveled hair with bare hands. He even tucks his shirt back in, causing Luhan to be confused. "What are you doing?"  
  
"We're going back," Minseok sighs. He bends to take the necktie on the floor.  
  
Luhan raises a brow again. "What? But—"  
  
"Sorry. I think we should go back now. My turn's after Jongin," Minseok says, holding Luhan's hand and helping him hop off the table. Luhan pouts, obviously disappointed but he can't do anything when Minseok's all neat again, except for the small creases on his shirt.  
  
"Fine," Luhan defeatedly sighs.  
  
"S-sorry," Jongin whispers, too silent that he isn't sure if the two has heard him.  
  
Minseok, still holding Luhan's hand, drags the other with him and walks past Jongin, their shoulders brushing slightly when they squeeze themselves out of the door. It feels cold and numb, like a bucket of ice poured on his head when guilt takes over him quick. Jongin's chest dips. He realizes he has his fist clenched tight for the past minutes, loosening them only when the two turn a corner and vanish.  
  
He wants to feel hate. It's there, he knows it. It’s the bitterness he’s feeling waiting to be embraced. Yet he doesn't allow it to consume him completely. He only indulges in what he thinks is the tiniest part of this. It’s enough for him to hate himself for being incapable of hating everything about this situation.  
  
Everything but himself.  
  
  
  
  
**Plane. To Guangzhou, 09:35 a.m.**  
  
Luhan takes the seat next to where Minseok is. They're the first to get on the plane and thank the heavens there isn't much passengers today. Luhan is supposed to sit next to Junmyeon. But Minseok knows Luhan hates planes. He hates flying. He hates knowing that the flat surface their soles are on is actually thousands of feet above the ground. And once plane wheels roll and Luhan holds the hand next to him, Minseok wants it to be his hand.  
  
Jongin on the other hand, has no problems with the assignments and sits next to Minseok, that one by the window. He remains silent when Minseok looks at him. He ignores how Minseok’s gaze is quite discomforting because all he wants is to take his seat and sleep. He sighs on the mask that covers half of his face and closes his eyes. He has three hours to catch up on the rest he missed last night.  
  
Unfortunately, air turbulence gets rougher an hour later and Jongin wakes up midway his dreamless sleep. He straightens his back, yawning obnoxiously. Minseok is still awake, leaning to his left so Luhan can nap on his shoulder. Their hands are clasped but loosely, perhaps because Luhan is already asleep, not as anxious and scared as he was when the plane started moving earlier.  
  
"Is he okay?" Jongin asks, feeling a little awkward at the silence when he knows Minseok has seen him wake up.  
  
Minseok nods.  
  
Jongin isn't sure what he's thinking but as soon as Minseok answers, his arm slides on the side of his armrest and musters up quick courage to take Minseok's open hand. Minseok looks at him because Jongin is knitting their fingers together quickly.  
  
Jongin isn't looking at him, or at their hands. His eyes are fixed on his side, beyond the glass that separates him from the white and blue sky. His breathing is heavy and his palms are starting to get cold. Minseok, on the other hand, is still taken aback, wide eyes showing how slow his realization is that he's holding Jongin's hand—letting Jongin hold his hand. He looks at his left, Luhan, still calm and deep in his rest. To his right is Jongin, tensed and a little scared.  
  
Minseok closes his eyes. Then slowly, carefully, he pulls his hand away from Jongin's. The grasp tightens, unwilling to let go, but Minseok doesn't stop until he's free. He thinks he's being rude, inconsiderate. But he can't lie to himself. And Jongin, for the first time since the start of the day, looks at him, disappointed, hurt.  
  
"Sorry," Minseok whispers. He keeps his free arm under his jacket, away from Jongin's reach. Luhan shifts closer to Minseok and his hold of their hands becomes firmer, tighter.  
  
"That’s what you always say," Jongin says and he turns his back on Minseok, staring again at the sky now covered in nothing but pure white. Maybe he can go back to sleep and wake up again later. This is probably just a dream.  
  
  
  
  
**Hotel. Guangzhou, 11:48 p.m.**  
  
Minseok is in a good mood. Everyone actually is when their Guangzhou leg comes to an end. They take a bit of drinks in their rooms and Chinese snacks the Chinese members would recommend them. No one gets drunk this time so no one boards the plane hours later with an excruciating hangover. But they get quite tipsy and high for fun.  
  
All throughout their mini-party, Luhan isn’t acting like his usual self. He's quiet for the most part of the night, and Minseok worries.  
  
"Are you okay?" He asks. Luhan gives him a quick nod.  
  
"Just tired. And sleepy. This one's quite strong." Luhan even kids, chuckling a little as he raises a bottle of beer gently and shakes it at Minseok to emphasize. Then he stands up with a slight groan, rubbing his temples. "Fresh air would wake me up, perhaps."  
  
He's headed for the balcony. Minseok stands up after him. "I'm coming with you," he says. And so they excuse themselves, of course with Junmyeon's permission. They're towards the end of their celebration anyway. Some members have already dozed off on the carpeted floor, including Jongin, and Kyungsoo is dragging Junmyeon out of the living area and into their room. Junmyeon just says a quick yes to Luhan.  
  
The balcony is faced opposite of the hotel's facade but the view is still as magnificent as it is on the other side. And from their floor, the blow of the wind isn't too bad. Humid but not too hot to feel sticky on their skins. Luhan still has his bottle of beer with him, but he isn't drinking from it anymore, simply twirling its contents until half of the bottle is filled with bubbles. He's leaning on the rails while Minseok is resting his arms on it.  
  
"Hey, Minseok," Luhan begins. Minseok hums, looking at him with raised brows. "Did something happen between you and Jongin?"  
  
It's like ice cold water poured on Minseok, the question sending a chill down his spine. His breathing hitches when blood is pumped into his heart, the pulse in his neck threatening to burst. Has Luhan known about this all this time? How? Why?  
  
Minseok chuckles but it sounds more of like a hiss and it sounds awkward, guilty. "Why did you ask?"  
  
"Why aren't you answering?" Luhan asks.  
  
He's still calm, lips even curled to a soft, sweet smile. But he's scary. It scares the shit out of Minseok. He's probably caught, how and why he doesn't know, and his mind is clouded by fear, unable to form any defense in his head. Almost a minute passes. Minseok doesn't say anything yet. Luhan still waits for an answer.  
  
The air gets heavier as each waiting minute passes. Whether it’s because of Luhan’s insecurity or Minseok’s guilt, both of them are suffocating.  
  
"He tried to hold your hand on the plane. Yesterday." Luhan finally breaks the silence. "No, actually he held your hand."  
  
"It's...a misunderstanding," Minseok reacts. He's saying things without thinking through them. He mentally curses himself.  _Misunderstanding. What's supposed to be misunderstood?_  
  
Luhan crouches and puts his bottle of beer on the floor, knowing he won't be taking any more alcohol in his system. "I'm not stupid, Baozi," he says.  
  
Minseok isn't sure if he should find relief on that nickname. When Luhan uses it, it's always because he wants them to be honest and open. Luhan wants him to tell what he feels. He's doing it already and he wants Minseok to do the same.  
  
"I'm sorry," he says, holding on to a hope that the inevitable hurt will be temporary. Minseok is holding everything in for a long time, longer than what he can bear.  
  
"I'd...appreciate an explanation," Luhan says. His voice changes. It falters, like a choke, a sob he's keeping from happening. Minseok doesn't like how it sounds and he's breaking as much as Luhan is now.  
  
"Did you fuck him?"  
  
Minseok can't get out now. "Yes."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I don't know," Minseok answers before he can finish thinking. The next thing he knows, his face burns and he's dizzy, a slap that is loud in his ear he feels deaf for a couple of seconds. His neck is strained to his side and when he looks back at Luhan, his hand is raised, eyes sharp but sorry, as if he's pitying Minseok.  
  
"You don't know, you say," Luhan mutters. He's shaking, tears welling on the side of his eyes.  
  
"I thought I'd forget  _it_  if Jongin...if he'll take me. Even for a while."  
  
Saying it out loud feels a lot worse than simply accepting it to himself in silence.  
  
"Forget what? That...I'm leaving? I thought we've settled that already?"  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"You're not."  
  
"I am. Really. I was wrong."  
  
Luhan is shaking, tears flowing on his face. It's too much for Minseok to see and he can feel his eyes sting, cheeks turning heavy. He reaches for Luhan's hand but Luhan swats it away.  
  
"Of all people. It had to be Jongin," he says, chuckling a little. He looks up, wiping his tears with bare hands as his lips curl to a sarcastically amused smile. "Isn't this amazing? I’m not even gone, and you’ve already started fucking everything up?"  
  
"Please stop saying that," Minseok begs.  
  
"Why should I? I'm telling the truth Minseok. I'm leaving EXO soon, and we're supposed to make the best out of what is left for us."  
  
Minseok can't hold back his tears anymore. "I don't want you to leave."  
  
"You don't want me to leave, but you knock on Jongin's door one night, bend him over the bed and fuck him like he's your bitch?"  
  
Luhan's anger and frustration sting. They sear right through Minseok's chest and it makes him mad, not at Luhan, but at himself.  
  
"I was drunk."  
  
"How many excuses am I supposed to hear?"  
  
"I wanted to forget for a while. I wanted to forget knowing you'll...be away. And before I realized it, I've done it. I know I was wrong. I'm...I'm really sorry," Minseok says. "Believe me, I really am sorry."  
  
Luhan doesn't say anything. Instead, he grabs Minseok by the collar and presses their lips together. He's kissing him fast, parting Minseok's lips quickly so he can put his tongue in his mouth. Minseok on the other hand is taken aback but he kisses back,trying to match Luhan’s pace.  
  
Luhan is still crying. The longer they kiss, the stronger his sobs become. And their kisses slow down until they stop. Luhan clutches on the back of Minseok's shirt and his head rests on the other's shoulder.  
  
"You kissed him like that, didn't you?" Luhan asks. Minseok can feel his shoulder get wet with tears but he just couldn't care less. "I hate you. I hate you so much."  
  
Minseok stays silent. Although unsure, he still wraps Luhan in his arms and hugs him, letting him cry until the only sound he hears are Luhan's muffled whimpers and the hit of strong winds on his ear.  
  
"I'm sorry," he whispers when Luhan's calmed down.  
  
"I hate you."  
  
  
  
  
"Have sex with me."  
  
Minseok looks at Luhan with wide eyes when they go back to their room. He stops by the door after it clicks close. "What?"  
  
"Fuck me. Tonight."  
  
Luhan walks at him, taking his wrist again, and pushing him on his bed. Minseok tries to back away but Luhan is moving fast and their heads bump a little hard when he kisses him.  
  
"Wait—"  
  
Minseok's words are muffled when Luhan continues to kiss him roughly, too passionately. He even gasps when Luhan's hand finds his crotch and rubs it, trying to get him hard.  
  
"Lu...han. Lu— wait!"  
  
Minseok's hands hold Luhan's face and pulls him away. He knows his done this before, on Jongin, and he hates how he's getting the same feeling when right now it's totally a different person.  
  
"Don't do this. Please," Minseok pleads.  
  
"Do you still love me?" Luhan asks quickly. He wants a quick answer, too. And so Minseok nods.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Then why can't you fuck me?"  
  
Luhan is mad. It's probably the jealousy taking over, but Minseok can't blame him. He has all the reason to be angry, but he doesn't want the night to end like this. He knows he's wrong, and he admits it. But what he wants is to fix what he's done, not to fuck Luhan so he can prove to his pride that he does still love him. Also, he's still...afraid of Luhan's decision to leave the band. He's still bothered and he can't bring himself in the proper disposition to do Luhan right now.  
  
"It won't solve anything," Minseok mutters under his breath. He looks at Luhan in the eye in the most sincere and honest way possible.  
  
Luhan scoffs. "You can fuck somebody else, but you can't fuck your own boyfriend."  
  
"It...isn't like that Luhan. Please listen to me," Minseok says. He tries to be calm even if his emotions are all messed up inside.  
  
"Let...let me fix things," Minsek continues when Luhan doesn't say anything.  
  
"I don't know how you will, Minseok," Luhan begins. "You've hurt me. You've hurt Jongin. You've hurt yourself, too. How are you supposed to fix this when all of us are hurt?"  
  
Minseok looks away. He's tired of saying he doesn't know. He's doesn't want to apologize anymore. Luhan's right. He's hurt Luhan and Jongin. He's hurt that his apolgy isn't enough to make up for his wrong. Also, how can he expect Luhan to accept his apology if he can't even forgive himself?  
  
"Do you still trust me?"  
  
It's all he can ask right now. He doesn't know yet what exactly he should do but he thinks a “yes” from Luhan is a good step towards realizing how he can fix things.  
  
"I love you too much to not give you a second chance," Luhan answers.  
  
His words feel like absolution to Minseok. They're on the edge of falling apart but Luhan manages to pull them back so they can start all over again, or at least how Minseok wishes it is. With all the things he's done, Minseok knows he doesn't deserve the kind of person like Luhan.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
Luhan gets off Mineok's side of the bed and lies on the other side. He doesn't pull the blanket over him, curling to a fetal position as he cries once more.  
  
"Turn the lights off if you're gonna sleep," Luhan says shakily.  
  
Minseok hums a yes.  
  
  
  
  
**Hotel. Jakarta. 11:23 p.m.**  
  
It's almost unbearable when Minseok sees Luhan and Jongin hiding their misery behind somewhat fake smiles. Being onstage is a temporary escape. It allows them to forget the real drama behind the scenes and just allow their love of performing to consume them. . Well, they're keeping it low, and they're doing a good job at it so far. But neither Minseok nor Luhan thinks this is worth the praise.  
  
"Jongin. Can...can we talk?"  
  
Minseok can't believe he's taken this long to actually call Jongin's name. He catches him backstage, when the adrenaline from the concert has finally died down on everyone. He wonders how much pride he has to swallow, how much courage he has mustered, how much hope he's kept in his tightly closed hands as he waits for Jongin's answer.  
  
"Okay," Jongin says. His answer is empty, void of emotions and Minseok isn't sure if he should be relieved or fear more. But it's a closed deal now and they agree to meet in Minseok's room at the hotel. They’re supposed to pack their things later for tomorrow's flight, but he can put it off perhaps for a few minutes. Or hours. Depends.  
  
Waiting makes Minseok feel like time is moving too slow and he can't stop his hands and feet from turning cold. But when the clock hands tick closer to their agreed time, he grows antsier, more scared. He expects for the first knock on the door with a crazy heartbeat.  
  
Minseok lets Jongin in. It's just the two of them, and for the first time since Nanjing, they look each other in the eye without a desire to grab the other for wet, messy kisses. It's awkward, and the tingly and prickly sensations from Minseok's nape down to his spine doesn’t make the silence more bearable.  
  
Jongin doesn't sit on the bed as he normally would. Instead, he takes the chair by the table, turning it around to face Minseok with still blank eyes.  
  
"I want to apologize," Minseok begins. Then he thinks if it's the right thing to say, if it's the best start for this conversation.  
  
Jongin sneers at him, his once empty face suddenly changing to a smile that sends Minseok’s hair to stand on its end. It isn’t scary, but the quirk of his lips are small yet they show anger. It’s all pent-up hidden in self-control almost breaking. "Don't you have anything new to tell me, hyung?"  
  
Minseok’s brain blacks out all of a sudden. He doesn't know what to say. It's all he's wanted to do anyway, perhaps just a lot more sincere this time. But he doesn't know how to get his message across Jongin and make him realize that this time, at least this time, it's real. It's true.  
  
"I'm sorry," Minseok whispers, head bowed down to stare at his feet.  
  
"Okay," Jongin answers with a shrug. "Are you hoping things will get better from here?"  
  
Minseok shakes his head. "Not really. But I'm taking a step towards it."  
  
Jongin just nods, pursing his lips as he scans the whole room.  
  
"I'm sorry," Minseok repeats.  
  
"Stop apologizing."  
  
"I was wrong. I...was selfish. I'm sorry."  
  
"I said stop."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Please stop."  
  
"Jongin please."  
  
"I said stop!"  
  
Jongin yells. He's shaking, tears brimming on the corners of his eyes. Seeing them makes Minseok a lot more confused. He first thought it's all what Jongin needs, but seeing his eyes makes Minseok realize it isn't what Jongin is looking for.  
  
"What...do you want me to do?" Minseok asks. He's nervous because he's making himself more open, more vulnerable to whatever Jongin wants.  
  
"You never listen to me don't you?" Jongin says. Minseok doesn't answer, stopping himself from spilling another apology. He wonders if he's actually taking its ultimate sense for granted.  
  
"Why? Why me, hyung?"  
  
Minseok runs at Jongin and hugs him. Jongin pushes him away, struggling hard to get away from the tight embrace. But Minseok is keeping him in place, holding his hands and resting them firmly at Jongin's back. He stops moving when he realizes Minseok is actually crying on his shoulders.  
  
"I'm really sorry," Minseok chokes. "Please. Please believe me. It's...it's Luhan. You know it. You know why. And I thought I could forget. I was drunk. I wanted to forget. I'm sorry, Jongin. I'm sorry."  
  
"You're fucking unfair," Jongin growls, teeth clashing in mixed emotions. "I love you hyung. But I hate you at the same time."  
  
Minseok doesn't say anything as he finally lets loose of Jongin, walking back until he's just a foot away. He's wiping his tears with his hands. Then he parts his lips.  
  
"Punch me. If you want."  
  
It's numbing.  
  
Then it hurts, the pain swelling from his jaw, spreading to his cheeks, eyes, his whole face. His vision is black for a moment but returns seconds later, the blur slowly dissolving back to clear sight. The bed he's just dropped onto isn't giving the slightest comfort to ease the pain in his head.  
  
Jongin has one hand covering the other which is still curled to a tight fist, his breathe sounding almost like snarls in the silence of the room. It’s one blow, one perfect hit to let out self-loathe, hate, envy—that mix of emotions that almost pushed him off the edge of his limits.  
  
Minseok regrets letting himself be hit, an all-time low for his pride, but then this is probably not enough to what he deserves for ruining people and playing with emotions.  
  
"That's enough," Jongin says and there's a tinge of an apology in his words. He doesn't sound as strong as he is earlier. "I'm sorry. That won't happen again."  
  
Minseok stays on the bed motionlessly, body pressed on the mattress as he stares blankly at the wall.  
  
"I'm going now," Jongin mutters. "Thank you for talking to me."  
  
Minseok remains in the same state, even when Jongin begins walking away and out of his room. The door clicks and he's all by himself again.  _So this is how it feels_ , Minseok thinks.  _To be left alone._  
  
  
  
**Hotel. Beijing, 1:36 a.m.**  
  
Both of them are close. Minseok knows it when Luhan tightens around him, his breathing getting stronger, heavier. Minseok holds Luhan's thighs, spreading them wider so he can lean over and catch Luhan's lips for a kiss. Luhan moans into it as Minseok slams inside him faster, warning that he's almost there.  
  
"Close?" Luhan asks in between low groans. He's smirking and Minseok likes it, the menacing quirk on the other's lips sending him to more erratic thrusts. He nods. Then he reaches for Luhan's still hard length, pumping it in rhythm with his movements.  
  
Luhan's stomach heaves, and at a few more strokes, a long moan slips out of his mouth. Luhan shoots all over his abdomen, some spilling on Minseok's hand. A few more thrusts, with Luhan tightening more as he releases, and Minseok comes with a loud groan, halting his movements as he spills inside Luhan, both their bodies trembling.  
  
Minseok pulls out. Both of them spent. They lie on their backs on the bed after wiping the mess on their bodies with a towel. Their hands clasp as they catch their breaths, still heavy from exhaustion. The only thing they hear is the sound of their breathing. Minseok tries to stand up, wanting to clean up in the shower. But Luhan doesn't move, tightening his grip on Minseok’s hand.  
  
"Just stay, please," Luhan mutters, his voice slightly shaking. The tears in his eyes are obvious but he's biting his lips as if that can stop him from crying. Minseok sighs, smiling to himself. He lies down on the bed again, this time pulling Luhan closer to his body and wrapping him in a hug.  
  
"Why are you crying?"  
  
"Because you..."  
  
Minseok feels a tinge of pang in his chest but it not as horrible as before. "Do I have to apologize again? I will if that'll make you feel better," he says as honestly as he can.  
  
Luhan shakes his head, tightening the grip of his fingers around Minseok's palm.  
  
"How's  _he_  though?"  
  
It's a surprise. They've never raised Jongin as a subject since Minseok has told him about their conversation in the last concert stop, if he can even call it one. "He looks better since that night he punched me," Minseok answers promptly, as if sounding proud for getting hit square in the face.  
  
For the first time that night, Luhan chuckles. He looks at the small bruise on the side of Minseok's face, it’s not something concealer can’t hide. It's already healing. He reaches for it and slightly pinching right beneath it causing Minseok to yelp and flinch, pushing his head away as he covers his cheek with his hand.  
  
"What the—!"  
  
"You deserve that," Luhan scoffs, shaking his head as he watches Minseok rub his face gently as if it would lessen the pain.  
  
"Do you think Jongin will be okay?"  
  
Luhan surprises Minseok with the question. Minseok stares at him and for a moment he doesn't know what to say, or how to react at the very least. Well, he doesn't know what to answer in the first place. But then, his silence can be, ironically, an answer.  
  
Minseok is both confused and amused with Luhan still managing to worry about Jongin. Jongin has— _had_ —been too involved with Minseok. But when he thinks of it again, he's involved because Minseok has brought him into this mess. Their last conversation was open-ended and he isn't entirely sure if they've reached the closure they want. It all leaves Minseok wondering and assuming that the punch on his face was the only thing Jongin needed to get over the pain, or if it was just the start of his own road to moving on.  
  
Jongin seems to smile a lot more frequently since Guangzhou. They haven't talked again. It’s almost impossible to get close to him when Jongin distances himself from Minseok. It's understandable, yet a part of Minseok still wants to reach for his face, look him the eye, and hear him say he's fine.  
  
Jongin is still Luhan’s friend. On his last night as an EXO member,, he wants all issues cleared and all conflicts resolved before he leaves. It’s useless hating, or even being angry with Jongin and Minseok. This is all evident in that glint in Luhan’s eyes as he tries to make good memories with them one last time.  
"I'm sorry," Minseok mutters. That should be the last.  
  
Luhan smiles and nods. "That should be the last."  
  
  
  
  
**Hotel. Beijing, 8:58 a.m.**  
  
At call time, they're all gathered in Junmyeon's room, waiting for the manager's signal. Luhan is with them, and Minseok is holding his hand, fingers knitted together tightly. Minseok is anxious. His legs are trembling and he keeps jerking his them up and down, as if he’s waiting for something. Well, he is waiting for a moment he wishes would never come.  
  
There's a knock on the door and their manager appears. He walks in and tells them it's time. Minseok's grip on Luhan’s hand tightens.  
  
Soon, everyone stands up. Junmyeon is the first to look at them. His eyes are a bit red, but he seems to have gotten over a surge of emotions. He walks straight to Luhan and hugs him. When he lets go, Chanyeol follows, Kyungsoo next, and the rest follow. Jongin is the last to stand. He hugs Luhan longer than anyone else, and Luhan holds on the back of Jongin's shirt tight. Minseok thinks it's a good thing. It's a relief for him and he can't stop but feel lighter, better.  
  
Jongin is the first to loosen his hold on Luhan, holding the older by the shoulder with a soft smile on his face. Luhan smiles back, teary eyed, and gives Jongin a single nod before the latter turns around.  
  
"Well," Luhan says, his voice cracking, and Minseok looks at him. He doesn't say anything. He just grabs Luhan's arm and pulls him to tight hug. Before he knows it, he's crying on Luhan's shoulder.  
  
"I hate you, you know," Minseok whispers.  
  
Luhan chuckles. "Finally. Been waiting to hear that from you," he says. He earns a light punch on the back. When he releases Luhan from the hug, Luhan wipes the tears on Minseok's cheeks with his hand, slapping them gently. "I'll miss these cheeks," he says.  
  
It's the last thing he says before turning his back on Minseok. He takes his bag, head bowed down so he doesn't see everyone's eyes. A road manager waits for him by the door, taking his luggage. The door closes.  
  
Minseok hesitates, because he's kept a promise. However, it only takes a few seconds before he gives in, taking a step so he can run after Luhan. But a hand holds on to his arm before he can even go further. He turns around, ready to shake off the grip.  
  
Jongin keeps his fingers tight around Minseok's arm. He doesn't let go, despite with Minseok's struggling.  
  
"Hyung," Jongin says. " _Don't_."  
  
He looks straight into Minseok's eyes, and Minseok can feel that Jongin isn't doing this because he wants to keep Minseok by his side. There's a reason behind it.  
  
"Why?" Minseok asks, and the question feels all too familiar. Jongin has asked him the same thing, not once, but too many times to not remember, and  _this time_ , it's Minseok's turn to ask.  
  
"Luhan-hyung. He  _begged_  me," Jongin answers, mumbling low so it's just him and Minseok. "This isn't a lie. I've never lied to you."  
  
Minseok doesn't want to believe what he heard, but Jongin is right. He's never lied to Minseok. This time isn't any different. He's always been truthful and Minseok is ashamed. He doesn't deserve Jongin’s honesty.  
  
"Stay. Don't run after him," Jongin whispers, pulling Minseok back to where he once stood.  _Don't run after him_ not because he wants Minseok to choose him but because he doesn't want Minseok to get hurt some more. He may have been selfish once, but this time it's different. He's made a promise, and he has to fulfill it.  
  
Minseok lets himself be pulled. And stays. He cries while Jongin holds his hand.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, honestly this wasn’t easy! But thanks to my lovely team, especially [mara_ciro](http://mara_ciro.livejournal.com/) and [darkyulate](http://darkyulate.livejournal.com/), for staying with me the whole time I wrote this! And also to [onyu](http://onyu.livejournal.com/) for being always supportive. Congratulations to my lovely team, Team Canon, for winning this year's [kpop_olymfics](http://kpop_olymfics.livejournal.com/)! Also posted [here](http://kpop-olymfics.livejournal.com/135713.html) and [here](http://jiuzhu.livejournal.com/24416.html). Prompt used is [Something](http://www.kpoplyrics.net/girls-day-something-lyrics-english-romanized.html) by Girl's Day.


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